On and Off
by svinfia
Summary: In this hospital, so many people are stuck in destructive spirals of back and forth with each other, never fully letting go, never daring to actually commit. Does April want to be one of them? Post 10x04.
1. Chapter 1

**After watching 10x04 I needed to write this. I haven't re-watched it so what Stephanie says might not be wholly accurate (but I honestly can't bear to watch that scene again, can you blame me?). Also, I don't own this show because then there would be a lot more happiness on it.**

Healthy people move on.

It's like a mantra running through her head. Healthy people move on.

She knows this. Doctors never linger. If you do, you get stuck in a loop of grief and overpowering doubt and you can't break free. That's what all that distancing is about.

But it takes a lot to look at your own relationships from an outsider's perspective.

For April, her perspective suddenly changes when she overhears a conversation between Stephanie and Jo in the cafeteria, when they're standing in line to pay for their lunches. April is sitting down for five minutes between surgeries and at a momentary lull in the general murmur of the lunching hospital workers and patients' families, she hears it.

'He told me we have to communicate, that this thing has to be real', Stephanie is saying, happiness in her voice.

And it hits April like a bucket of ice water from the top of a door. It's not just words anymore. _Healthy people move on._

As she thinks it, a question pops up. Is Jackson a healthy person? Is that why he's apparently being honest with Stephanie? A tiny, tiny part asks _why did we never get there?_

Hastily gathering her charts and shoving her apple down a pocket, she leaves, not wanting to run into the interns. She has no idea whether Stephanie knows of her and Jackson's relationship, but she certainly doesn't know if she can keep face during this epiphany.

As she walks up to the OR where she's needed, she receives a text from Matthew. The guy she's supposedly being honest with at the moment. It's nothing but a _'hi, how's your day going?'_, the kind of message he would send, just because he was a nice, considerate person who wanted to know these things.

* * *

The light from the OR makes her want to ponder the entire situation, bring it to light, understand it completely. She's working with Meredith, and suddenly she knows she might be the right person to ask.

'Hey, do you mind if I ask you a question about you and Derek, before Zola and the dream house and everything?'

'Uhh... Sure,' Meredith replies hesitantly, intent on the surgery.

'Why did neither of you walk away, just say... That's it, this is never going to work out – I mean, did you know that you were ultimately right for each other or was it... Fate or something?' She speaks slowly, deliberately, still looking for the right words.

Meredith looks up.

'Is this really about me and Derek, or about you and...?' She lets the sentence fade to silence, not supplying the name.

'Well, it is about me. But I really want to know. Was there something that made you hold on, that made you try again and again, or did you really try to move on and then you were just drawn back to each other?'

Now Meredith laughs. 'You make it sound like we're Ross and Rachel or something.'

April raises an eyebrow.

'Good point,' Meredith concedes. 'Well... I wasn't ready for a real relationship for a long time, it was all about me, how I had to grow up and undo all the damage from my childhood. But we both tried to move on. I know I tried, but with Derek, it was something else. It's always been something we couldn't ignore.'

'And you are right for each other.' April says quietly, rather as though she's thinking to herself.

'I think it takes a while before you get it right, with anything in life. If you know it's where you're supposed to be, you'll keep fighting to get there. I've wanted to quit surgery too many times to count, but there's always something pulling you back in.'

April nods. But there is still uncertainty.

'But what if what you thought was right isn't right anymore? What if you're clinging to the past because you're scared of the future? What if it's time to move on?'

When Meredith doesn't reply, April falls back, wondering where she might find her answers.

* * *

_Healthy people move on_. She doesn't know at all. She's never known. It's a crazy life she's chosen. In this hospital, people are stuck in destructive spirals of back and forth with each other, never fully letting go, never daring to actually commit. As she scrubs out, she studies Meredith, really wanting to know how you make these things work.

Meredith suddenly whips around and stares at her. 'Okay, do you want a real piece of advice?'

'You need to just grow up and don't do anything drastic, okay? You and Jackson have been friends for a long time, and I can't pretend to know what your drama is all about. There was obviously a reason that you two even slept together, though, so I guess there's always been something there that nobody ever saw, least of all the two of you.'

April has to interrupt. 'Yeah, well, maybe it's not there anymore. He's apparently having a very honest and communicative relationship with that intern Stephanie now, a courtesy he never showed me,' she squeaks, surprised at her vehemence.

'He might be scared, he might be angry, or he might just not have feelings for you anymore,' is Meredith's reply. 'It's not fair to you, but if you love him, even a little bit more than a friend, you have to tell him. Don't get married to somebody else before you actually know. Isn't marriage forever to you?'

'But...', April starts, but Meredith has dried her hands and throws the towel in the bin.

'I am done doling out relationship advice and you know what you should do. Really.' She sweeps out the door, leaving April with her mouth half-way open.

* * *

As she approaches the nurses' station a few minutes later, she slowly pulls out her phone. Healthy people move on. It's true, she knows that. She doesn't want to have a life constantly filled with doubt and drama and hurt feelings. She wants what she always wanted – her prince. A man she loves who loves her back just as much. A family, a career, a well-balanced life.

When she'd thrown herself at Jackson a little more than a year ago, it was all impulse. But the impulse came from somewhere. She'd told herself it was nothing but the euphoria that came from punching a guy, but there was something else that spurred on the impulse. It was the quiet, tiny butterflies that had always fluttered in Jackson's presence. Forever suppressed, forever ignored, she had always loved the way he said her name and had always felt better in his company than in anyone else's. There had always been sparks. The euphoria had made her ignore the consequences of acting upon them and most of all she had ignored the possibility that he might not feel the same way.

But when he'd responded, when they'd repeatedly done what she'd secretly dreamed of doing, knowing it wasn't possible for so many reasons, she hadn't been able to believe it. For all of those reasons, she hadn't let herself truly believe it. And then she'd royally screwed it all up.

It was true that she was new to these things. He wasn't and perhaps that's where they clashed. He'd done these things before, and judging by all things apparent, he'd grown tired of the games too. April felt that these games were too complicated for her. She wanted complete transparency. That's what she'd always aimed for. With Matthew, the games were not so intricate, but there was still duplicity. There always would be as long as she was harboring feelings for another man, always entertaining that ancient hope that they would be together someday.

Stroking her hair out of her face, she gazes down at the phone in her hand. She feels she is at a cross-roads. The call she is about to make could shatter her dreams or rebuild them.

She presses 'call' and breathes out, putting the phone to her ear.

'Hey, there is something I really need to speak to you about. Could we meet up somewhere in fifteen minutes?'

* * *

She had made her stand before, but somehow she doesn't think he took it seriously. It is completely unfair, but if she is to move on, she has to do it properly, take one last stand before letting go. The Jackson she fell in love with hadn't been around much lately, but whatever it was that had happened to him, he was still in there somewhere. Perhaps it was her fault, but she cannot do more than what she is about to.

As she waits in the dark on-call room, she shivers. It really is now or never. The door creaks, opens to reveal a shaft of light and then Jackson is in the room. His forehead is scrunched up, his eyes annoyed.

'Look, April, I don't have time for...'

But this time she is prepared, and she interrupts him loudly:

'Wait! I really need to talk to you. So will you just listen, just hear me out until the end? Please, I just have to get this out. Then you can say whatever you want. But I have to say this.'

Jackson rolls his eyes and shrugs. 'Fine, then.' He closes the door and just stands there, staring at her.

April takes a deep breath and begins.

'Look, I know that I am the one who screwed things up all the time. I was the one who didn't take our relationship seriously and I was so self-centered that I didn't really realise what was going on. I always tried to be honest, but I don't think I was ever really clear about how I felt.'

She pauses, collecting her thoughts. Jackson opens his mouth, about to speak.

'No, wait! I am not done. I will tell you when I am done,' she nearly shouts. He shuts his mouth again.

'There is a reason that I ever let you take my virginity, Jackson. You are my best friend, have been for a long time, and you are … obiovusly ... hot.' She blushes, but presses on. 'But that's not all. I always had feelings for you. Not much, and I pushed them down as much as I could. But that night, everything came up to the surface. And then when you responded, I couldn't believe that you could really want me that way. I never believed that. The possibility that it was actually for real didn't really strike me. I kept pushing you away because I was so afraid that it would end and I would be alone again.

'So. I screwed things up, I did. And I agreed to marry Matthew because he is a wonderful guy and I don't want to be alone and healthy people move on.'

Jackson's forehead has smoothed out, but he is still gazing at her inscrutably.

'I guess you have moved on, you have a real relationship with Stephanie. I thought I had moved on. I want to move on. But, here's the thing. I have to ask you one more time, because I still have feelings for you and I … I do love you, of course I do.' Her eyes suddenly fills with tears, as she's realising what it is all about for the first time.

'I understand why you didn't believe me before. I understand that you hate me for choosing Matthew when I still wanted you.' She felt she had lost her train of thought, but she had to continue.

'Healthy people move on,' she manages to get out. 'But I have to know – could we ever work things out and be together again?'

Jackson speaks now. 'April, I...'.

'Wait, sorry, there's one more thing. I am telling you this because if there's no possibility of us, I have to move on. I have to. So if this is it, if you tell me that we're done, we are done. I don't want to give you an ultimatum and you don't have to answer immediately, but I don't want to be stuck in a loop with you indefinitely. We either try again, really try, or we move on from each other.'

'There. I'm done.' Slightly winded, she breathes out and looks down.

This had taken everything she had. Whatever happens now, she's done all she can. But she is still trembling because the butterflies are going crazy, worse than ever. And she hopes against hope when he speaks again.

* * *

**I am sorry about the cliffhanger, but I am undecided as to whether I should continue or not. To me, this is what I want any character in an on-and-off relationship to do. I want them to take that stand, because personally I would never want to be stuck in something like this. I know this will never happen on the show, because it's Grey's Anatomy, but I just needed to write this, to see if I could make it believable at all. I would love all kinds of criticism on this, because I am very unsure about it. Please tell me your thoughts! Thank you for reading.**


	2. Chapter 2

He has a right to be angry.

When his phone rings, flashing a photo of April taken forever ago, sometime in their residencies when they'd been drinking at Joe's, he doesn't feel angry. A flutter of something stirs in his chest but sometimes hearts do that. He studies the photo for a second. She's clutching a beer and smiling exaggeratedly for the camera. She looks happy.

'Yes?' He replies. As he hears what she's saying, his mood darkens, the anger starts boiling.

Walking down the stairs, slowly, taking his time, he knows that he has a right to be angry. She screwed him over. Several times. He is too old for this. He needs a real relationship, stability, honesty, communication.

Stephanie is... good. He strokes his face absentmindedly, eyes focused on the stairs. There is a faint, faint doubt somewhere about them. Not her, but them. When he saw her with Shane, he didn't feel much. He had felt a rush of anger, not towards Stephanie, but towards... Life. April's face as she was telling him she wanted him had flashed briefly through his mind. He couldn't deny it. But he also couldn't admit that his relationship with Stephanie was a way to get back at April. Because it wasn't. He had a right to be angry at her and clearly, they didn't work as a couple. She was too immature, too undecided and too obsessed with her dream of the perfect life. Stephanie was much, much easier to be with. She chased him through the hospital and she listened when he told her they needed to cut the bullshit and communicate with each other. She spoke up when he treated her badly (albeit too late sometimes) and when she did things that might hurt him it didn't hurt very much.

He has a right to be angry.

The anger escalates slightly the further he walks. Whenever he really thinks about the two of them, that's what he forces himself to feel. Angry. Sadness can have no part in it.

Jackson's perspective changes when he is finally forced to listen to April, and to really hear what she has to say.

* * *

'Look, I know that I am the one who screwed things up all the time. I was the one who didn't take our relationship seriously and I was so self-centered that I didn't really realise what was going on. I always tried to be honest, but I don't think I was ever really clear about how I felt.'

He has to say something here. Who does she think she is, dragging him away from his precious free-time, simply to admit to what they both already know is true? But he is cut off, and he grudgingly relents. In no way does he want to think about the kind of courage it must take for April to say this.

'There is a reason that I ever let you take my virginity, Jackson. You are my best friend, have been for a long time, and you are … obiovusly ... hot.' It costs him a lot to suppress a mocking smile and a roll of his eyes at this. 'But that's not all. I always had feelings for you. Not much, and I pushed them down as much as I could. But that night, everything came up to the surface. And then when you responded, I couldn't believe that you could really want me that way. I never believed that. The possibility that it was actually for real didn't really strike me. I kept pushing you away because I was so afraid that it would end and I would be alone again.'

When he hears this, a memory sparks within him. He'd always felt an inexplicable pull towards April. Before the boards, he'd dismissed it as fondness for the one person he had left from his intern years, and just considered it part of their long and warm friendship. He'd never really given it much thought until she was suddenly kissing him. And something had exploded within him. All the feelings he'd never really known were there had come to life, burning through his veins, making it almost impossible to break the kiss and keep his head from spinning out of control. But he'd tried. They were best friends, she was a virgin and she'd just punched a guy. All his arguments had disappeared one by one, defeated by the pure desire in her eyes, egging on his own. He'd given in.

Afterwards he'd tried to ignore his feelings. For a long time he did. When they were finally on the same page (or so he thought) he tried to make it clear to her. He stepped up. He asked her to marry him. And she'd discarded his feelings like a ragdoll, her own complicated relationship with Jesus and herself always more important.

'So. I screwed things up, I did. And I agreed to marry Matthew because he is a wonderful guy and I don't want to be alone and healthy people move on. I guess you have moved on, you have a real relationship with Stephanie. I thought I had moved on. I want to move on. But, here's the thing. I have to ask you one more time, because I still have feelings for you and I … I do love you, of course I do.' Her eyes are full of tears and he can hear them very subtly in her voice.

A sense of shame starts creeping up his neck. It is unbearable. He feels his face grow hot with it. This is what he should have done ages ago. He shouldn't have made that half-assed attempt with Stephanie, but he should have been the one to take this full-blown, grown-up unmistakable stand for him and April. As he's listening to her, all his reasons for being angry with her quickly dissolve into nothing and soon he doesn't understand what he's been doing lately. He can't remember anymore. He felt he had a right to be angry. But why did he never look a beyond that? Then he remembers. The reason was pride.

'I understand why you didn't believe me before. I understand that you hate me for choosing Matthew when I still wanted you.'

It was all pride. His feelings had been hurt and he hadn't been able to stand it. A certain (quite reprehensible) part of him felt that if he lowered himself to want someone, they had better want him back and show it, too. He thought April understood him, and he'd wanted her all the time, he'd loved her all the time and when she hadn't responded to his sacrifices the way he wanted her to, he'd shut down.

Now he realises that he never really stepped up at all. He had never really stopped to think about the fact that April was completely new to this. He had withdrawn, thinking it might be for the best that they stayed friends. That had worked for years, why shouldn't it now?

He wonders where her maturity comes from. He thought he was mature. Clearly not.

'Healthy people move on. But I have to know – could we ever work things out and be together again?'

Jackson speaks again, wanting to convey his shame, his own doubt, his tumultous feelings for her.

'April, I...'.

'Wait, sorry, there's one more thing. I am telling you this because if there's no possibility of us, I have to move on. I have to. So if this is it, if you tell me that we're done, we are done. I don't want to give you an ultimatum and you don't have to answer immediately, but I don't want to be stuck in a loop with you indefinitely. We either try again, really try, or we move on from each other.'

'There. I'm done.' She breathes out.

He can't process it completely for a while. There's a weird, humming sensation in his chest. The one feeling he can identify is shame.

'I am an asshole,' is the first thing he says. He can't really gather his thoughts. He hadn't expected this. His instinct is to run away so he doesn't have to deal with this right now.

'You're right,' is the next thing he manages to articulate. She's not looking at him.

Suddenly he can't take it anymore. A floodgate opens, and he just... Understands. And it is painful. Looking up at the roof, clenching his fists, groaning through his teeth, he can't take this frustration. This should have been obvious. All this time he'd been hiding behind anger, trying and failing to be grown-up and reasonable about the entire thing. He'd mistaken the dullness with Stephanie for stability and maturity, thought that his passion and love for April was just pain and dramatics.

'This should have been so simple. What the hell have we been doing?' Correcting himself, he continues: 'What have I been doing?'

April has raised her eyes, gazing at him wide-eyed now.

He knows that in front of him stands the woman who's been driving him mad for the past year. She's made him dizzy with desire and joy, but she's also driven him to despair, constantly hurting him, tearing at his self-esteem and his entire being. He is desperate for her and he has never really told her.

But does he deserve her?

He thought he had a right to be angry. Turns out he was using this believed right to in deny and forget his own shortcomings and what he'd done wrong in their relationship. She's the one who stepped up, once again. Something he'd never really done. So as he looks at her, her eyes full of tears, her red hair curling at her shoulders, he makes a decision.

* * *

**So I don't know if I'm doing the right thing publishing this. Once again, sorry about the cliffhanger but this will be it for this story, so you'll have to decide for yourself: does he deserve her?**


End file.
